Walking breathing faster as I try and bring up the pace only 3 miles today that’ll be easier than yesterday morning’s 6-mile jaunt as I am walking down the desert Blvd in south Central Arizona. Near a dry marshy area for drainage, and a strange thought starts cooking in my brain, truly a new level of weird even for me. I look to the left and right and of course see nothing but dessert scrub on each side of me or did I see that?

I can almost envision something a little more out there, a lot of, well me as I see a me from good and bad periods of my life from youth to my current ancient-ness I saw myself coughing hard in 4th grade when trying to run or walk due to all the smoking I grew up around.

I see myself covered in dried caked mud from 7th grade and was shoved into a mud-puddle by the popular folks. I see myself in wearing my first pair of glasses in third grade remembering the joshing I took for wearing them. I see myself wearing the first pair of contacts I ever go at age 16, remembering how long I had to train to get to finally wear them. I see myself in junior high wearing my first pair of tinted lens glasses looking nerdier than I had thought at the time. I see myself in my high school uniform with my field snare and cowbell, barking out orders to the drumline and counting off. I see myself standing next to my special PE teacher (Complete with his Polio Crutches) and I’m trying to keep up as I walk next to myself. I see myself in my blue and gold cap and gown complete with hat and tassel, thin young and handsome like I apparently was at that age (I had no idea). I see myself dressed to the nines to paul bear and Eulogize my favorite aunt/Godmother at her rosary and funeral, my biggest fan ever and supporter, gone way before her time… life will never be the same… I see myself at age 9, after one of my favorite birthdays every as I got a bunch of balls to play with and first played and received ‘Clue’. I see myself at age 11-12 with my first crush which may have set my life on a course of settling in the later years, and she was light-years out of my league. see myself at age 16 trying to go around with a girl in high school because everyone in the band thought we’d be a cute couple (I had to break it off because I didn’t feel the way she did). I see myself at age 17 in my shorts and tennis gear tan and muscular feeling jazzed after beating a bandmate at Tennis in San Diego in front of the band and drill team. I see myself at age 8 with drumsticks in my hand recalling that ‘year’ it took me to master the ‘Drum Roll’, I swear I never thought it would come, and one day it just did…  I see myself at 32 after my first separation/divorce living on my own, still relatively fit and strong at the time, oh the wild times I had, smh… I still can’t believe what a ho I was. I see myself at age 13 with a red face as I have just been setup to have a popular girl laugh at my socially sorry self…. I see myself at age 12 getting picked on by a bunch of people after my teacher cut off preverbal my social head after saying I was “The smartest and best student in the class”. I see myself at age 33 trying to work up the courage to leave the crazy mess that would end up wasting another precious 8 years of my life… “Don’t do it” I scream, but I don’t hear myself. I see myself at age 40, celebrating 40 years and wishing I could get into a time machine and get a do-over for the wasted years, (I’ll likely do the same thing at 50). I see myself at age 42 contemplating (and rejecting) jumping out of the window of my suite at Harrah’s as I watch the Mirage Volcano, wondering how to get my fiancé (at the time) out of jail. I see myself at age 40 now Paul bearer for my nana as she finally passed on from Alzheimer’s (she died many years before that) my last fan… she never ever did anything but love me, I miss her still… I see myself at age 13 in junior high taking crap from the other drummers as I take my music and performances much more serious than my compadres and I become section leader to their chagrin. I see myself at age 48 I don’t know why, my first affair ever, I hate myself at the time and feel immense guilt, on the other hand this is the first woman I even met that complimented the heck outta me (narccistic strategy). I see myself at age 4 with two salad spoons and curly hair, I wanna be a drummer when I grow up after seeing Stevie Wonder play “Superstitious” on Sesame Street. I see myself at age 14 trying to learn all the KROQ bands after being laughed at by a couple classmates for not knowing answers to some very basic questions on some bands of the time…  I see myself at age 16 with my first girlfriends, I am dressedup in a tux I wore to Winter Formal and my Junior Prom at the fabulous Bonaventure (my parents had to drive us to both)…  I see myself at age 15 in the nerdiest brown suite I ever wore (my parents made me wear it) to my uncle Donald and Aunt’s wedding, I drained a bottle of Dom Perignon that night my first time drunk, and last for a long time… I see myself at age 18, dressed and carrying the sheet music (quickly reviewing it) for a concert I was about to site read as the snare drummer flaked that night… I see myself at age 42, realizing my fiancé and her mother have been mocking my gullibility at being manipulated into handling the bills and fallout while she was in jail and pining for her true love (another man), I’d leave soon after…  I see myself at age 31, getting satisfaction and appreciation (both verbal and financial) for the first and only time in my career for a small window of time at a financial software company (3 years). I see myself at age 32, nearly dying from diabetes Meletus as I nearly work myself to death at my job at the time (80+ hr. weeks). I see myself at age 5 having one of the worst dreams I would ever have, and I never told my family or friends (I see each of my most loved relatives walking by and away from this cottage I was in, leaving me all alone) my eyes are still tear-stained. I see myself at age 10, petrified of lightning and deathly afraid of electrocution at the time, I used to hide inside my toybox in the closet to be clear of the flashes and thunder…(I’ve since grown to adore it). I see myself at age 25, biting off more than I can chew with my first wife, holding and comforting her for hours at a time and trying to keep her from hating or harming herself… I see myself in my fishing gear with a pole I’m about to cast into the lakes of the Sierra Nevada, confidence is high that I will snap a line here… I see myself at age 48 tears on my face as I write off for life, my narcisstic best friend who was consistently not there for me pretty much through all my adult disasters ( I was there for most of his till he pushed me over the limit). I see myself at age 33, realizing my first ex-wife was cheating on me with multiple men, I’d leave her soon after… 

I see myself at age 50 walking along side of these guys who are all me wondering where I went wrong, fear, I let it rule my life, and other people I let them rule my life too, over, and repeatedly, doing anything to please them and minimize the problems always doing what I was told and blinding trusting just I have always done, nothing to do or think of myself, not having any goals other than love, respect, and acceptance and never receiving them… 

Watching a houseful of people get a lot of what they desire and ask for with little pushback as I work two jobs and have little for myself to want as I closed my wants (for maintenance) at the time…. 

Watching my body fail and change and my hair go gray as I till wait for my turn to come up in the selection process in our drama-filled complicated dysfunctional family…. 

I do not know what my future holds but I know I can survive all the good and bad I’ve lived, and I may be alone for the remainder of my life, but I will love me this time. 

This too one day will end and hopefully the great creator will reveal what this was all for or join in a laugh… Either way I’ll have my answer. 

-aaa