“Be a beacon of light shining forward and blazing through adversity. Be brave take those steps alone you need. Make the changes go for the best in life and don’t be afraid to take fall or two along the way. “
Walking breathing faster as I try and bring up the pace only 3 miles today that’ll be easier than yesterday morning’s 6-mile jaunt as I am walking down the desert Blvd in south Central Arizona. Near a dry marshy area for drainage, and a strange thought starts cooking in my brain, truly a new level of weird even for me. I look to the left and right and of course see nothing but dessert scrub on each side of me or did I see that?
I can almost envision something a little more out there, a lot of, well me as I see a me from good and bad periods of my life from youth to my current ancient-ness I saw myself coughing hard in 4th grade when trying to run or walk due to all the smoking I grew up around.
I see myself covered in dried caked mud from 7th grade and was shoved into a mud-puddle by the popular folks. I see myself in wearing my first pair of glasses in third grade remembering the joshing I took for wearing them. I see myself wearing the first pair of contacts I ever go at age 16, remembering how long I had to train to get to finally wear them. I see myself in junior high wearing my first pair of tinted lens glasses looking nerdier than I had thought at the time. I see myself in my high school uniform with my field snare and cowbell, barking out orders to the drumline and counting off. I see myself standing next to my special PE teacher (Complete with his Polio Crutches) and I’m trying to keep up as I walk next to myself. I see myself in my blue and gold cap and gown complete with hat and tassel, thin young and handsome like I apparently was at that age (I had no idea). I see myself dressed to the nines to paul bear and Eulogize my favorite aunt/Godmother at her rosary and funeral, my biggest fan ever and supporter, gone way before her time… life will never be the same… I see myself at age 9, after one of my favorite birthdays every as I got a bunch of balls to play with and first played and received ‘Clue’. I see myself at age 11-12 with my first crush which may have set my life on a course of settling in the later years, and she was light-years out of my league. see myself at age 16 trying to go around with a girl in high school because everyone in the band thought we’d be a cute couple (I had to break it off because I didn’t feel the way she did). I see myself at age 17 in my shorts and tennis gear tan and muscular feeling jazzed after beating a bandmate at Tennis in San Diego in front of the band and drill team. I see myself at age 8 with drumsticks in my hand recalling that ‘year’ it took me to master the ‘Drum Roll’, I swear I never thought it would come, and one day it just did… I see myself at 32 after my first separation/divorce living on my own, still relatively fit and strong at the time, oh the wild times I had, smh… I still can’t believe what a ho I was. I see myself at age 13 with a red face as I have just been setup to have a popular girl laugh at my socially sorry self…. I see myself at age 12 getting picked on by a bunch of people after my teacher cut off preverbal my social head after saying I was “The smartest and best student in the class”. I see myself at age 33 trying to work up the courage to leave the crazy mess that would end up wasting another precious 8 years of my life… “Don’t do it” I scream, but I don’t hear myself. I see myself at age 40, celebrating 40 years and wishing I could get into a time machine and get a do-over for the wasted years, (I’ll likely do the same thing at 50). I see myself at age 42 contemplating (and rejecting) jumping out of the window of my suite at Harrah’s as I watch the Mirage Volcano, wondering how to get my fiancé (at the time) out of jail. I see myself at age 40 now Paul bearer for my nana as she finally passed on from Alzheimer’s (she died many years before that) my last fan… she never ever did anything but love me, I miss her still… I see myself at age 13 in junior high taking crap from the other drummers as I take my music and performances much more serious than my compadres and I become section leader to their chagrin. I see myself at age 48 I don’t know why, my first affair ever, I hate myself at the time and feel immense guilt, on the other hand this is the first woman I even met that complimented the heck outta me (narccistic strategy). I see myself at age 4 with two salad spoons and curly hair, I wanna be a drummer when I grow up after seeing Stevie Wonder play “Superstitious” on Sesame Street. I see myself at age 14 trying to learn all the KROQ bands after being laughed at by a couple classmates for not knowing answers to some very basic questions on some bands of the time… I see myself at age 16 with my first girlfriends, I am dressedup in a tux I wore to Winter Formal and my Junior Prom at the fabulous Bonaventure (my parents had to drive us to both)… I see myself at age 15 in the nerdiest brown suite I ever wore (my parents made me wear it) to my uncle Donald and Aunt’s wedding, I drained a bottle of Dom Perignon that night my first time drunk, and last for a long time… I see myself at age 18, dressed and carrying the sheet music (quickly reviewing it) for a concert I was about to site read as the snare drummer flaked that night… I see myself at age 42, realizing my fiancé and her mother have been mocking my gullibility at being manipulated into handling the bills and fallout while she was in jail and pining for her true love (another man), I’d leave soon after… I see myself at age 31, getting satisfaction and appreciation (both verbal and financial) for the first and only time in my career for a small window of time at a financial software company (3 years). I see myself at age 32, nearly dying from diabetes Meletus as I nearly work myself to death at my job at the time (80+ hr. weeks). I see myself at age 5 having one of the worst dreams I would ever have, and I never told my family or friends (I see each of my most loved relatives walking by and away from this cottage I was in, leaving me all alone) my eyes are still tear-stained. I see myself at age 10, petrified of lightning and deathly afraid of electrocution at the time, I used to hide inside my toybox in the closet to be clear of the flashes and thunder…(I’ve since grown to adore it). I see myself at age 25, biting off more than I can chew with my first wife, holding and comforting her for hours at a time and trying to keep her from hating or harming herself… I see myself in my fishing gear with a pole I’m about to cast into the lakes of the Sierra Nevada, confidence is high that I will snap a line here… I see myself at age 48 tears on my face as I write off for life, my narcisstic best friend who was consistently not there for me pretty much through all my adult disasters ( I was there for most of his till he pushed me over the limit). I see myself at age 33, realizing my first ex-wife was cheating on me with multiple men, I’d leave her soon after…
I see myself at age 50 walking along side of these guys who are all me wondering where I went wrong, fear, I let it rule my life, and other people I let them rule my life too, over, and repeatedly, doing anything to please them and minimize the problems always doing what I was told and blinding trusting just I have always done, nothing to do or think of myself, not having any goals other than love, respect, and acceptance and never receiving them…
Watching a houseful of people get a lot of what they desire and ask for with little pushback as I work two jobs and have little for myself to want as I closed my wants (for maintenance) at the time….
Watching my body fail and change and my hair go gray as I till wait for my turn to come up in the selection process in our drama-filled complicated dysfunctional family….
I do not know what my future holds but I know I can survive all the good and bad I’ve lived, and I may be alone for the remainder of my life, but I will love me this time.
This too one day will end and hopefully the great creator will reveal what this was all for or join in a laugh… Either way I’ll have my answer.
It’s spring 1990 and time for the last concert of my senior year at my alma mater. Thoughts forward and back flooded my mind as my final concert in highschool was about to happen. It was going to be a surreal concert as all others prior for my this year were as I opted out of the orchestras. Having 7 classes a day for 3 years and spending much of that time trying to manage and assist the drumline was tiring on me. So for these concerts I was strictly an usher and stagehand where needed.
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Things are well in hand, the audience is all seated and all stages are set for the elementary and high school bands, I grab a seat in the front row ready to enjoy this final concert as a spectator. Or so I thought.
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As I steady myself in my seat, the band director beckons me over. I sprint over figuring something from the band room was needed which I’d grab post haste. I was handed a folder full of music. The band director explains the snare drummer for the symphonic band was a no show and that I need to site read the concert. He laughed and said “let’s have some fun Anthony, we’re on in five, take a look at the music, the first piece should interest you”.
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I gasped and thought for a moment took a deep breath and made my plan. I’d grab my sticks asap and spend as much time as I can with the music. I sprint to the band room and grab my smallest nylon tips sticks and then back to the gym with the folder under my sleeve. I grab a chair and practice though the first piece noticing at it’s start “solo”. I analyzed it and each subsequent piece noticing the patterns in the notes and the dynamic shifts. The pieces were straightforward and I was ready which was just in time as the concert is about to begin.
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I grab my music and sticks and make my way on stage to the snare drum joining the Symphonic orchestra. The band tunes and I double check my instrument, tightening the snares and the muffle to the sound and feel I like. I face forward at the band director with my music and stand just to the right at lowest eye level.
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The band director turns around and introduces the band to the audience to nice applause. I feel and hear my heartbeat a little. This is going to be something to remember. I take a quick glance at my solo to come as the band director turns around and looks square at me a s smiles. He raises his baton and I raise my sticks then the downbeat and my solo. I gently rat-a-tatted my part as the drum responded to everything my hands did. In all honesty It was pretty rudimentary but I tried as always to make it sound good. I guess the way I played it sounded different than the band was used to as they all turned around and looked at me which made me very uncomfortable. I carefully read ahead and played the part flawlessly (thank goodness). We finish the piece and I let out a soft sign of relief. Then the next piece sad next piece my confidence growing from the first to the last.
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After completing the concert the band director patted me on the back and said “Wasn’t that fun Anthony” I responded with “I guess?” as I gathered myself and he laughed again.
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I thought to myself as I headed home later how crazy my last concert really was. I’d never have do that again l, well, until a couple of years later in college. I’d white-knuckle my concerts with the jazz band and chamber singers in where I’d learn the parts to their portion of it the night of the performance…
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
Like many of us I’m getting a sense of Deja vu with today’s question. i’m gonna take this opportunity to discuss when risks are worthwhile and when they’re not.
I believe we take risks every day. Some are worthwhile, while others blow up in our face. But you can’t let the bad moments take away your sensitive adventure, and your desire to grow through change.
That my friends is where the risk is going out on a limb, trying something new, someone new, loving someone new, changing careers, etc. These risks and they don’t always come out with great outcomes, but still worth it for the growth and knowledge that they bring.
We go through life and learn through our mistakes which risks are worthwhile , and which risks should be left alone. that’s called learning and it’s very important part of life. I pity those who don’t take risks, because they basically sit behind walls and never go out and live. The risks I’ve taken haven’t always gone as well as I would’ve liked, but they’re still worth the wealth if experience and self understanding I gained from them.
I have to say, though in the end at all the risks I’ve taken in my life, many of which were very foolish were worth it to be the person. I am now. I am empowered, I am brave, I am ready to live the life of my dreams and I won’t stop until I do. One risk, one change, one challenge at a time. 🔥💪 🔥
Christmas time, gifts family get togethers, warm feelings, all kinds of things going on that time of year. This past year I’ve lived with my family as I perform a life reboot for myself. During Christmas, the neighborhood I live in does ‘Christmas Lights’. It’s quite a spectacle, nearly all of the houses are dressed to the nines in holiday cheer. Lights, more lights, Christmas Trees, Reindeer, and still more lights. Reds, greens, whites, and any other color you can think of dancing about (too music in our display). It’s a lot of fun and a little difficult getting in and out of your house as this goes on with all the cars and whatnot traveling up and down our cul de sac. It’s quite beautiful and generally all who visit love it all. One December night, some who visited our front yard got more than they bargained for: a 50-year-old dancing in his underwear for all to see…
Ok let’s get to that cold December night where I looked the fool in front of a pretty extensive audience. Ritual time, it’s nearly 8:00 PM so: edibles in, music blaring and I’m preparing a bath. In my efforts to prepare to close out my night, I stupidly left the shades open in my room (which has two windows facing the street) I grab clothes and head to my bathroom and crank the water as hot as it’ll go. I disrobe and enjoy an epic hot bath with the music is jamming and singing along rocking to Jeff Beck. Life is great. As I finish my bath and get out dry off, I throw on a pair of my Scooby Doo boxer briefs on. All the while I forget that I essentially have a stage set in my bedroom for the neighborhood to see. I’m really buzzed now feeling relaxed, too relaxed as my guard is totally down now. In my skivvies I grab my Bluetooth speaker and head back to bedroom singing and swinging my torso like an idiot and I realize as there’s sudden shouting and applause and laughter (from outside). Cheeks red and burning, I realized I was apparently performing for a stunned audience of cars and a onlookers. My bedroom light is on and the shades are down it’s like I have a spotlight on me. I didn’t know what to do, my heart sinks to my feet and I had to think fast which was a bit of a challenge in the state I was in.
I didn’t know what to do so I threw myself on the ground (sniper avoidance style) and crawled on my belly to the other end of my bedroom nearest my drawer to grab a pair of pajamas and put them on as fast anyone could that was laying facedown on the floor. I’m so stoned at this point that I’m considering an encore performance (not!). I quickly closed my shades and turned down the lights chuckling to myself as I temper my odd cocktail of embarrassment, adrenaline, and the detached airiness that comes with indica related products when consumed.
Needless to say if it’s Christmas, Kwanza, Ramadan, Presidents’ Day or Groundhog Day for that matter, when my evening rituals take place, the shades are shut and the lamp off. My skivvy gyration was a one-off performance… I’d settle for laughing at myself when I set down phone and attempt to answer my glasses…. 🤣
Single life can get interesting quickly when you need to use a hammer on some frozen articles in the freezer.
Spot checking the refrigerator and freezer for grocery list items, I noticed an issue in my freezer in which 4 zip-locked marinara sauces (I made a big batch last weekend) were stuck to one another and through the freezer shelf.
Here’s where physics comes in, these sauces were originally frozen after cooling were in a liquid state at the time. As a result, some of the bags hung through the grates on the top shelf. When liquids/sauces/etc freeze, they sometimes expand a little as well which definitely happened here. <Physics lesson over>
I first tried to remove (they are adjustable) the top shelf and couldn’t because everything was quite stuck. I tried and tried and was able to pry off one of the sauces without breaking the bag (extra points for that effort). The other three sauces, however were very much lodged into the grated shelf and against the side of the freezer.
I tried, I pushed, I tugged (not too hard or I’d rip the ziplocks) I swore every bad word I could think of in English, Spanish, and Italian (we are multicultural at Anthony’s Place) but they wouldn’t budge. Then I thought to myself, “what will MacGyver do?”
Opening my tool drawer, I found my toolbox, took out a hammer and proceeded to hammer up (under the grate) on the frozen bags of marinara (I’m sure my neighbors love me 😝) until finally I was able to pop the shelf out. I then removed it from the freezer with the sauces still stuck to it.
We have a second challenge again of physics and common sense. I want to defrost these sauces just enough to get them clear of the shelving grate so I can place them back in the freezer without needing to cook them all.
I placed the grated shelf and my lambadad (I’m not sure if the forbidden dance has ever been applied in this manner 😂😂😂) marinara sauces in the sink and ran cold water until the portions that were expanded and stuck, shrunk down enough for me to pull them out. I then immediately placed everything back in the freezer more easily as everything was still frozen (for the most part).
To not have a future repeat of this adventure, I’ll place something flat on top of the grading next time. Lesson learned, and it was truly a cultural event with multiple language swearing, a refresher in thermodynamics, and a little MacGyver, for good measure…😂😂😂
Anyone who knows me well, understands that music is a part of my vocabulary in a way. It allows me to apply my pallet of preference to encapsulate volumes of information without the need for explanation as the music provides that.
The powerful imagery that can fill us when we hear a certain song, the flood of memories from sight, to, touch, to sound. Or a song may capture an idea very personal to us, better than we could ever say in our own words.
As is the trend after I experience live music I start to listen to the discography of that artist for a while. Needless to say, I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Billy Joel. A lesser known track of his is one of my favorites.
Where’s The Orchestra, (The closing track on side 2) expresses to me a perfect analogy for being, out of place. Unique, different, somewhat misaligned with status quo. This is truly a beautiful soft anthem to the misunderstood. The reprise of the song “Allentown” on the clarinet at the very end, offers a gentle reminder to the opening track. Enjoy 😉 ❤️❤️🎵🎶🎼
This is an excellent question, each day these are great and today is no exception.
In anticipation of a career change 6 years ago I made the decision to pursue my Master’s Degree in English. This was a real departure from the 22 years I’d worked in information technology. Not to mention the 25+ year hiatus and going to school/college. I enrolled at GCU (Grand Canyon University).
At first, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get it done. Learning about the new for me new APA writing format was so difficult to adjust to versus MLA which I used pretty much up until that point. Assignments were awkward class participation, and threaded discussions was such a new thing for me.
But once I got into a good flow, everything fell in the place, and it was pretty effortless to be honest. I wrote my papers if not all of them the night they were over 3 to 4 hours each time. And as crazy as it may sound I got “A”s on everything I touched.
It was weird. It was like I’d go into almost a trance and just go stream a consciousness, and my essay/papers would just take shape. And to deal with my problems with the new APA format I basically would take my previous paper, gut it rename, it save it, and then put the new content in there. this assured that I would not have any issues with format or design of my assignments.
Since my masters degree, was online, one new and challenging part was submitting each essay for originality. There’s actually software out there that will compare your paper to other papers written for the same courses and scan all the text and give a score. The lower the score the higher the originality so I was always shooting for under 10% and often got it. 99% of the students in my classes were teachers versus me, coming from technology perspective, so as a result, my papers were very unique.
Before I knew it two years gone by and I finished my 11 classes and gotten my masters degree in English. I’d leverage that degree for writing jobs and even change careers and write full-time now (as well as part-time here).
In conclusion, I must say that the risk was worth worth it all. Writing is my passion and working in it for a living is a dream come true and far more lucrative than I ever imagined…
Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?
This is a more difficult question for me to answer. I was in a situation where I was forced to not act out of an agreement with my ex-wife and I had to endure some terrible things in front of me and not act on them.
You see, before we got together or got married, my ex-wife made me promise that no matter what happened with her kids and her that I was not to interfere, ever have her to contend with.
My ex middle stepson would suffer bouts of narcissistic rage brought on by damage to his head caused by an accident when he was five and bipolar disorder combined. These resulted in some very scary events that I was not allowed to act on and I’m gonna share one now.
I believe the argument was over shoes. my daughters best friend was dating my ex stepson and I guess she was jealous over some shoes that my stepdaughter had gotten that she didn’t have.
My ex stepson acted like the enforcer and basically got into a physical confrontation with my ex-wife. He head butted her and pushed her on the ground and of course she got furious and attacked him, and I had to stand there and watch it and not act otherwise she would’ve attacked me. I wanted to jump in do badly and felt so helpless watching the terror unfold. 
Not a good arrangement I would advise No one ever agree to an arrangement like that if they ever get married. No violence should be tolerated from anyone. Being asked to ignore it while it’s happening in front of you is the worst kind of torture.
Do I regret that I didn’t act?? You’re damn right I do. it killed me to see that happen and it happened like five different times I should’ve just called the cops and had him arrested for it. Hindsight being 2020 but that’s the same for all of us.
Violence is never the answer to anything, and if you are in a relationship where violence is a common occurrence, be it with your partner, or your partner’s children/family you should just get out of that relationship and never look back. Toxic and traumatic experiences such as these and may lead to years of therapy from PTSD or worse.
There are a great many things that make me nervous most of which I think are quite practical for many or most of us. We need to remember that being nervous is just a feeling and doesn’t mean that anything bad is going to happen. It just keeps us really really focused.
Below are just some brief examples of items that I have found that made me nervous and how I have dealt with them.
Life Changes
Change of any kind makes me nervous. We all have a resistance to change and it’s not easy specially in life when we have lots of changes happen to us. However, I’ve come to find that all these changes in life that are difficult lead to the best growth and the happiest life possible.
Site Reading Music and Public Speaking
I could recall when I used to site read music that I’d be nervous about making any mistakes, but that just kept me frosty and on my toes and ready for anything. Sort of like when you’re going to make a speech or speak in public, you get nervous before you do that speech, but that keeps you on your toes and sharp.
Meeting New People Dating
Dating is never easy, especially in this day and age with all the technologies that are out there to use. So when you meet someone for the first time in person, you’re definitely very nervous and wondering how people will be in person. Whether they act the same as when you’re chatting or talking on the phone. Results were mixed on this one and will be expressed in subsequent writings by yours truly.
The World at Large
Currently, there are a lot of things going on in the world that are not great that also make me nervous. Potential climate change global warming seems to be getting worse. The politics in our own country here (US) have gotten more dysfunctional than I have ever ever seen in my lifetime or right about even in any books. Wars people, dying famine disease so many things out there that aren’t so great keep me nervous pretty much daily. But, I try not to let it bring me down because there’s only so much we can do about it and again this kind of goes back to everything. Just roll with things and do your best to get through them all.
Ergo
At the end of the day, feeling nervous is just that a feeling. A mere interpretation of our reality. just our minds telling us to stay sharp and be ready and that’s not such a bad thing. We just get caught up in feeling “nervous” where it would be best to enjoy the ride see what happens. See how the song comes out how the speech is delivered how the world is going to cope higher life change. “Just keep going”, which is my daily/hourly mantra…
I think I am becoming a sentimental old fool at 52. I Happened to catch Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory streaming on TV and was suddenly 6 years old again watching the movie for the first time.
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Relating to Charlie Bucket and the isolation he felt from his peers. His character was such a pure soul and he loved freely and fiercely even in the face of a rejection of the test from his most beloved idol.
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He is then rewarded for his suffering and his family’s as well. That line at the end of the movie always gets me and light tears come down “What happened to the man that got what he always wanted? He lived happily ever after” He then tightly hugs Charlie and I just tear up every time.
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Like I said, a sentimental old fool but I am who I am. The book was good but was more a lesson in behavior than the first film on which it was based. I even believe that I read somewhere that Dahl was initially unhappy with the film but later grew fond of it. It will always be one of my favorite movies somewhere inside I am that same child with older eyes…❤️
Anthony’s Crazy Love and Life Lessons in Empathy 