The Tech. Writing Blues

My Office

Our requirements changed again today

Leading to my feeling dismay

I’ve rewritten them numerous times

And re-rewritten all their lingo and signs

Everyone changes their mind

Leaving me in this crazy bind

Up not down left not right

I’ll be changing them all night…

-aaa

Aspire to Inspire

Originally Published 04/02/2024

We live in an age.

An age of our destiny.

Self actualized.

Maslow would be pleased.

As we reach full potentials.

We are our best selves.

Keep to your journeys.

Each step makes a better you.

A well balanced you.

Live positively.

Past pain is gone forever.

Just a memory.

Your past won’t stop you.

It’s just lessons that you’ve learned.

Used in the present.

Your loves that were lost.

Each and every misstep.

Triumphs in the now.

Live in the moment.

Enjoy each microsecond.

Each a pearl of joy.

Bright in the darkness.

A beacon and example.

Hope for everyone.

Demonstrate your best.

Live gloriously through your deeds.

Show others the way.

The future is now.

Many adventures await.

Be brave and embrace change.

-aaa

Never Contrively

Lovely lively

never contrively

What does “contrively” mean

This is its debut site unseen

It’s a portmanteau of contrived and lively

Adding to the lexicon is beside me

So if looking for contrively in a dictionary

When it’s not found you needn’t be wary…

-aaa

Ethereal Cosmos

True Love When Two Become One by Anthony Falbo

Sweet taste on my tongue.

Overwhelmed by your fragrance.

A million lilies…

A delicate touch.

Makes me tingle all over.

Softer than velour.

An endless embrace.

We cannot let go just yet.

Passion won’t let us.

Breathless long kisses.

Each its own eternity.

Of many desires.

The heat, relentless.

It’s burning flames lick our skin.

Setting us on fire.

We both are consumed.

Two hearts beat faster as one.

As we melt and merge.

We are at union.

We cannot outlast the stars.

We try with effort.

Our brightness now dims.

Falling fast through time and space.

We now gently rest….

-aaa

Fires of Desire 🔥🔥

Originally Published 04/02/2024

Burn flames of desire.

Enjoy your passions fire.

Pleasure is a pyre.

Pleasures have just begun.

The two lovers become one.

Don’t want to be done.

Soft traces on skin.

Many goosebumps where they’ve been.

Wild passions within.

With chemistry here.

Completely devoid of fear.

Our purpose is clear.

Pleasure abound now.

Use your instincts, that is how.

Use them all to wow.

The feelings are good.

As powerful moments should.

Doing all we could.

Faster breaths and hearts.

Happen when this fury starts.

Neither one departs.

Now our work is done.

Deep slumbers await a sun.

Breakfast or more fun?

-aaa

Daily Question # 46

What gives you direction in life?

This is yet another great question, as it’s important and grants me the opportunity to show how I’ve learned to let my brain and heart work together.

I give myself direction in my life. I choose with the ebb or flow whether I stay or go. start a sound like a Clash song here I wonder what Joe Strummer would say?

I trust myself and my judgments now more than ever in my life. I have taken the hard lessons I have learned to augment my intuition and make better decisions that way.

I trust my gut, but also the lessons I’ve learned and that is how I have direction in my life. Doing what I love, pursuing what I love, and living a life, I love.

-aaa

My Inner Child

Holding My Inner Child by Lady Robin Ann

If I could hold my inner child, what would I say?

How can the words to come cross the right way?

Can I say, “I’m sorry, I know it’s been hard”

Or sing my reassurances like a medieval bard

Will the child be moved, or feel relief

Or will the suffering be more than brief

Rejections to be faced, disappointment, felt

Or those very first loves that make the heart melt

The child wants to fit in, but never will

It’s painful, forcing down to that bitter pill

The teasing and jokes you’ll have to endure

Losing that innocence, once so pure

I know it’s difficult the way you often feel

But know there’s a lot of people you’ll heal

Either with your words or just your time

A special phone call, or a published blog rhyme

You’re just unique, it’ll be OK

Because you’ll still be you at the end of the day

Strength from your experiences is what you’ll have

Be them tough, easy, happy, or sad

Never forget you’re a bright shining star

A guiding light of love for who you are…

-aaa ❤️

Thank You (18,315 views and counting)!!!!

I just wanna take this opportunity to thank you all, my subscribers, and people that like my writings. Truly, I’ve always wanted an audience to share with, and I hope to grow it and improve as we go, and I’ll do my best.

Thank you for also putting up with the gazillion emails and updates you get as sometimes I get inspired (a lot) and write (a lot) and want to share it. Also, your feedback has been fantastic. It’s giving me something to go on for each effort I make.

I’m relatively new still to the blogging environment. I’m only six weeks and four days in, and I’m trying to learn as I go.

There are quite a few views on here and I want to thank you. I promise I will continue to improve and write better material that will move and motivate you or at least allow you to relate that’s always the goal of my writing.

Bless you all and thank you again and happy Friday eve!!!

-Anthony (aaa) ❤️❤️❤️

Daily Question # 45

Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

This is an excellent question. I’m going to talk about quotes or rather mantras I’ve created for myself that I’ve really helped me on my journey, especially as of late.

1) “Everything starts with us“

We are not victims of our pasts, we are victims of ourselves. Decisions/choices we’ve made people we’ve loved married, etc that have hurt or harmed us in our lives, those are on us. Now granted the way they treated us is on them but we made the mistake of choosing them. Hence everything starts with us.

Another aspect of this quote is about love. To love other people effectively we have to love ourselves and there’s a reason why that adage holds true. If we don’t love ourselves, we will unconsciously choose people that don’t love us either.

I know because that’s what happened with me and three different women that I was involved with. I married two, and was engaged to the third. All of these relationships were toxic and all three women were narcissists. Had I loved myself and known my value I never would’ve let them in my life let alone as my significant other partner.

2) “Just keep going!!”

This has been my mantra for the past six months now as I’ve got my own place my own life and many changes. I just keep repeating to myself “ just keep going” anytime I’m unsure about anything. going on a blind date, just keep going. Unsure about my work project, just keep going. Unsure if my blog is going to be big, just keep going.

I also share this with my family, friends and even strangers. It’s so simple subtle and yet powerful. Try it yourself. You might find it really works.

3) “Any person place or thing that does not contribute to my: happiness, inner peace, or well-being, I partways with”

This one I’ve also learned firsthand from experience. I’ve had to cut ties with a lot of people in my life and items in my life that we’re not serving the purpose of my best interests, and this quote encapsulate all that.

-aaa

Lovfinity

Always forever

Eternally together

Nothing is better

Aflame connected

Safe and always protected

True love perfected

A passionate touch

Melts my soul and means so much

Strength without a crutch

Softly in a bed

Never gently do we tread

True passions are fed

Please join me right now

Let’s share our heavenly vow

The who why and how

Into the sandbox

We never stare at the clocks

Remove shoes and socks

-aaa

Mirror Souls

Two hearts will be one

The time is now to have fun

Eyes bright, like the sun

Soft warm hazel eyes

Perfect legs and luscious thighs

My heart grows a size

No rush times my friend

Fun filled times without an end

Physics warps and bends

Time slows down our view

I know, crazy but it’s true

It happens with you

You feel like I do

Like you always wanted to

Bright futures a view

Trust in yourself now

Don’t worry about the how

Keep a solum vow

Dancing in the rain

No need to feel any pain

You’re yourself again

-aaa

The Final Arrest of my Half-Wife (11/30/14)

She was arrested, again and if looks like she won’t be home for close to a year this time. I’m exhausted, scared, furious and frustrated.

—-

I left work early and met with her probation officer and found out what had happened. This is the seventh time she’s been picked up for shoplifting.

—-

This time, her probation was revoked because she broke almost every rule. She had a large purse, several bags and canvas bags with various items in them in her suv. This was after she told her PO that she was behaving. A surprise inspection led to the arrest.

—-

I plead her case even spending over an hour in her car going through all the bags and producing enough receipts from each to satisfy the officer which I did. I explained her health issues and PTSD she suffered the past abuse she had suffered also. I practically begged her but to no avail.

—-

I was instructed to return to the county jail to obtain the possessions that were on her person when she was arrested. I knew this would unfortunately mean 😢 I’d have to return with her mother.

—-

Later we make our way to the county jail. After repeatedly comforting her mother for the umpteenth time we arrive. She’s drinking from her thermos and I can smell the vodka on her breath (reminiscent of the DUI she had received some 6 months earlier which I had bailed her out from). I am instructed by her mom to remain in the (car) parking lot and that she’d return with the items.

—-

I wait and one hour goes by, two, three, almost four. I get out and make my way to the jail, the night air greets me with cruel November fingers.

—-

Inside, I find her mom passed out in the waiting room with the items we came for. I do my best and wake her so that we can leave.

—-

We stop and I grab a dinner (I’ll never ate) and a large coffee (for her). We finally get back home and her mom somewhat sobered up leaves.

—-

It’s 1:00 am and I stare at the items before me on the couch (which served as my bed for the past 3 1/2 years) a purse, a bag, a sweater and her laptop. I hold the sweater to my face and I can smell her and fresh warm tears stream down and all us a blur for a bit. This had become a common occurrence lately as her problems seem to have compounded.

—-

I turn on the laptop (per her instructions) as I needed to check emails because I’d have to sell items (on EBay) as I had times before to help make ends meet. Seems, Uncle Sam doesn’t grant social security to semi-permanent or any other persons who are in jail since they’re technically cared for there.

—-

Of course for those in a household needing that income to stay afloat and keep the lights on it poses problems. I look for the email addresses I was instructed (per the note she left me with her mom).

As I finish (it’s nearly 2 now) I know I need to sleep but I can’t.

—-

I look back at the 12 inch screen and think to myself (something that’s been nagging at me) about how much she’d never let me into this laptop pretty much ever unless she was in jail. I start going through folders and my heart stops.

—-

I get bad butterflies and my stomach touches the earth’s core… What follows is very reminiscent of what ended my first marriage. Emails reeking of unfaithfulness. Professions of love to an ex boyfriend of some 20 years ago. A person that she had frequently spoken of as friend and mentioned to me many times.

—-

The betrayal stung like 1000 needles. More warm tears and my mouth agape as I read an email from her mother that made me shake to the very core of my soul.

—-

“I’m beyond happy for you dear. I know you’ve always wanted a true love and now you have a soulmate. It’s only a matter of time until you’re out (precious jail stay). Don’t worry your man will wait. I’m just glad we’re fooling your fiancé. What a fool, he thinks you love him but you can dump him when your soulmate leaves his wife. Don’t worry I’ll pile on the tears and your fiancé will be none the wiser taking care of you and your home and your bills awaiting your arrival home.”

—-

I buckled a little but knuckled down clenching as I closed my eyes and my soul screamed into the abyss. More warm tears. This is it, this is the end, of us….

-aaa

Prayer of the Shoplifter’s Mate (2006 – 2014)

Originally published 03/31/2024

Sitting alone and she’s hours late, again. Out shopping despite my pleadings not to, again. Three hours late so far, I hope she’s not in trouble, again.

She’s a good person and doesn’t mean any of it. Please hear my prayer closely and distinctly. Dear God, I pray to you on all that is great in the world, for her safe return home. Shes not perfect but bless her the same. Please, if I have anything good or special to be bestowed upon me, give it to her instead. She needs it more than me. I’m not a martyr I just want her to be ok. Coping with another extended stay in jail and being alone would be unbearable. Please hear my prayer, Amen…

-aaa

Sekenglif (feelings) 😀😊😔😢

Art Work by Melissa Daugherty.
https://www.deviantart.com/madartwork42

A perfect sphere surrounds us each day

It’s our reality of everything we see

A myriad of emotions, are at play

And many affect both you and me

Outside the sphere, feelings abound

And each its own unique face

Happiness, sadness, and others are found

Surrounding people of every race

Which we choose or rather chooses us

We often have very little choice

Confronting our feelings is a must

When talking in our inner voice

We might as well roll with it all

There’s no need to lose control

Feelings, inside of us rise and fall

Learn to ride the ebb and flow

So how do we deal with all these thoughts

How do we gain an upper hand

Dealing with the past, you’ve wrought

Helps you draw boundaries in the sand

Then one day, you create a space

Between what you see and what you feel

Putting self control in place

Preventing overreaction, a bad way to deal

So as the realities challenge with strife

Remember, you are in control

Of your reality and your life

Don’t let your feelings take a toll…

-aaa

Daily Question # 44

What is your favorite holiday? Why is it your favorite?

This question is a double edged sword for me. My favorite holiday and least favorite holiday are the same at this point in my life.

That holiday is Christmas. It used to be my favorite holiday to celebrate with my favorite people. Unfortunately, many of those relatives and friends are gone (passed away). All that remains is a big space where they used to be and it makes the holiday of Christmas a much more difficult.

I guess that makes me selfish, wanting to have my favorite people in my life present on my favorite holiday. I’m feeling like it isn’t my favorite holiday without them.

I’m not alone. I know a lot of people feel this way. I just make the best of it each year, and try and use the generosity of the holiday as a means to pick up my heart and spirit.

I am hoping someday to make new great memories for Christmas and definitely am going forward with my heart open to that, but it is challenging.

-aaa 💔 🎄 💔

Reunion? (10/14/2022)

Originally published 03/30/2024

Sitting at a multi year high school reunion feeling like a fish 🐟 in a tree thank God for the powerful beverages or I’d really feel awkward. I feel so strange way way out of my comfort zone here

I sit at the bar minding two women’s drinks that I’ve collectively spent 5 minutes talking to. One (apparently) I’m taking home safely of course I’m Mr. Goto lol 😝

So this is odd I feel my sensibilities being triggered some by overstimulation to ego I’m often prone…

Felt a connection with a woman for 5 seconds until she bailed 🤣 Hmmm… why I often do not attend reunions stag.. 🤣ugh here’s to the weirdos…

Where am I what am I who am I. What am I doing here I have no idea. And yet… here I am amongst these athletes and cheerleaders and popular people feeling like I’m hiding amongst the elite years later… it’s surreal I don’t belong here yet here I am…

Look at these folks the upper crust of several years of high school royalty plus 1 lower cruster 🤣🤣

It’s ok I know who I am I where I belong, anywhere!!! 🔥🔥

-aaa

Standing

Originally published on 03/30/2024

-Standing, alone but strong and firm.

-Waking each day filled with gratitude and an increasing sense of wonderment.

-Sitting silently contemplating change and where it will bring life.

-Lying down, softly encouraging the placement of each new brick, as I rebuild a foundation.

-Loving every second in this life, it’s been far from easy but nothing should be altered.

-Feeling each moment to the next and absorbing everything around me.

-Tasting the air the saltiness of it the freshness this is bliss.

-Holding fast and dropping obsession with a past that cannot change.

-Chomping at the bit for a future of endless fun and adventure.

-Closing chocolate-eyes and dreaming of desires and making them realities.

-Finding oneself and grabbing onto this wild eccentric person destined, without fear, trepidation or hesitation.

-Burning flames of a past to ignite a future that is, everything…

-aaa ❤️❤️

Daily Question # 43

Have you ever been camping?

Have I ever been camping? that’s very good question, I have to go back many years to recall when I last went camping. I can recall a pretty unforgettable story from childhood, when I was 10.

Once summer at age 10, I went camping with family and friends at the state beaches near Ojai California. We camped out at a beach and park with campsites called “El Capitan”. We enjoyed a great week out there there. Places where the mountains and beach meet are truly a wondrous and beautiful.

It was great, there was a lot of bodyboarding baseball, pickle, and over-the-line. The campfires, outdoor eats, and late night board games. Gorgeous skies so clear you can see the nebula within the Milky Way galaxy. Plus, there were numerous hiking trails we all did as well. Culminating with the family talent show at the end of the week at the outdoor amphitheater next to the campground. The week went by so fast it felt like it was over in a day.

So as the trip came to an end we made our way home. This is where the main part of my story begins. pretty much from the first night we got home my right arm started to itch. Initially, there was no rash or anything that I could, it just itched. I figured it was a mosquito bite or something, the itching wasn’t too bad so I went to bed.

Starting the next day, the itching grew and got to be unbearable on my arm. Now it looked like a scratch that maybe got infected. As I had two dogs residing in my room at the time it seemed possible, or maybe a flea bite. So my mom (like any mom at the ) put Benadryl cream on it sending me on my way. This of course ultimately wouldn’t work.

My itching got much worse and it seemed like the scratches were on both of my arms now. The itching had grown so bad that I couldn’t sleep at this point and hadn’t in a couple of days. Nothing worked or could ease it or bring me comfort . Finally, my mom made an appointment and took me to the pediatrician.

Immediately, she knew what was going on with very little examination. She explained the markings on my skin and the intense itching were a dead giveaway. She opens a cabinet looks through a couple of small boxes and produces two brochures which she hands to my mom and myself. Reading the heading on its cover, a word quickly jumps forward, “S-C-A-B-I-E-S”!

I don’t know, how our said narrator at the tender age of ten contracted a “social disease”? I don’t know how I got it (maybe the bathroom or showers at the campground). Reading the literature that was offered in these pamphlets regarding scabies was beyond disturbing, especially for any nine-year-old.

**Warning Graphic Description Coming Up** 😬😬😬😬

For an instant itching seemed worse when I read my pamphlet and found out what scabies really were. Apparently, (I’m no doctor and if I get this wrong please consult a Grey’s anatomy book for proper definition) there were little spider-like mites, crawling in my skin, eating my skin, laying eggs, and burrowing through creating the trails that looked like scratches. OK, I know, I’m sorry some of you are probably feeling a little disgusted and itchy at this point, trust me I am too. I lived it. 😬🤣

Shaking off the shock and disgust of my (very) local infestation, we make our way to the attached pharmacy. We drop off the prescription and wait about 10 minutes for my name to be called. What I’m supposed to get was a topical cream to ease with the itching and a cream I had to put on overnight to dispose of my unwelcome little invaders.

I sit and wait contemplating the fact that I was essentially being eaten from the inside at that moment. I reread my newly acquired literature and shuddered again at the artistic renderings of these little monsters. My name or number comes up, and my mother and I go to pick up the prescriptions.

Apparently, the pharmacy has a sense of humor, or they made a grave mistake. My topical cream had instructions printed on the box which read, “Apply liberally to rash on groin every four hours!” I looked at my mom and I said “I don’t think the scabies have gotten that far yet” earning me the familiar disapproving look from my mom. I guess my gift at saying the inappropriate started well before age 10, and continues to this day.

My mom and I had to go to the clerk and explain this “groin cream” was obviously given to me by mistake. Apparently the clerk also found the situation rather humorous as well. He asks us to wait while he walks to the back of the pharmacy. He first confers with a pharmacist and they inspect the box, read it and I can see both are laughing. The clerk then confers with a second pharmacist and they’re both laughing as well. I’m starting to wonder if he’s going to do a show and tell for the entire hospital, when he finally returns to us. Informing us the ingredients in the “groin cream” were identical to the topical and that I can apply it to my arms to ease the itching. Embarrassment aside, I didn’t care if this was vaginal cream, I was going to end the itching here and now. Though I did ask for a bag for concealment to prevent anyone else from reading my graphic groin cream instructions before we got out to the parking lot. Bag in my hand, we went home.

As soon as we got home, I applied my groin cream (liberally) to my arms. This ended the itching and I felt relief for the first time in four days. I then would take one of most satisfying naps of my life. Later, before bed, I applied the overnight cream which would permanently take care of my little invaders.

A few weeks later the scratch marks disappeared thankfully before school started. There’d be no need to explain what they were or where they came from.

Needless to say, I only went camping one more time ever after my ‘close encounter’ and frankly, I’m not surprised.

Have a great evening and the you for reading.

-aaa 😊

Divine Arrival

Originally published 03/30/2024

Live positively.

Emote energy, attract.

Embrace it, it comes…

Healing energy.

Attract the very best life.

At last you’re ready.

Breathe, don’t be afraid.

Life is just starting for you.

Fasten your seatbelt.

Love for love is all.

Reach out, help all that you can.

Share all your wisdom.

Smile, today happened.

Revel in your successes.

Appreciate you.

Be actualized.

The best version of yourself.

Readied for what’s next.

Dial up your patience.

Great things all come together.

In divine timing.

-aaa

Union

Originally published 03/29/2024

Come to me I am lonely

Come to me be my only

Come to me with weary soul

Come to me attain control

Come to me from the start

Come to me and fill your heart

Come to me generosity in mind

Come to me I’ll return in kind

Come to me, a painful life

Come to me to lesson strife

Come to me like stars above

Come to me and be my love

Come to me I’m still here

Come to me and it’ll be clear

Come to me without any fears

Come to me and remove your tears

Come to me no curtsy or bow

Just come to me, our time is now…

-aaa

Mine is Yours in Alimony 💸

You are commander and chief

of all my financial grief

💰

Your many scores

ride on my chores

💰

Your desert bane

is my source of pain

💰

Your constant spending

is for me, never ending

💰

Your frequent travels

cause my wallet unravels

💰

Your rides on trains

as I’m shackled in chains

💰

Your glorious fun filled life

comes from my hard work and strife

💰

Your laugh and giggle

as I crawl like a worm and wriggle

💰

Your hoots hollers

are from my hard earned dollars

💰

But there are two payments left

Then a finality to your theft…

-aaa 🤑

Fun At Last Paid for in my Past

I have been to hell and back

Upon the most treacherous course

My life and memories in a virtual knapsack

Navigating my life, post divorce

I don’t know where I go next

But I know it’s going to be fun

My past days of being hexed

Are all finished and truly done

Endless adventures await my life

I’m enjoying the unknown of each day

Over are all my days of strife

And now it’s time to enjoy and play

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed

So each our lives, we must not waste

For the hazards of our pasts we all must heed

To thrive inside our happy place

Endless days and laughing times

I look forward to enjoy

Sharing experiences with friends of mine

With hard learned lessons, I employ

Who knows next which way I go

Not even I can answer

But I’m enjoying the ebb and flow

Just like that of the dancer…

-aaa

Exultation

Originally posted 03/28/2024

Dancing in the rain.

I’m not feeling any pain.

I’m myself again.

It’s been a long time.

Not loving me was a crime.

That ended in time.

Now I manifest.

Happily conquer each test.

Now I am my best.

Watch out world I’m here.

Without anything to fear.

My future is clear.

Past pains taught me well.

I no longer dwell in hell.

In my own love spell.

Living truly free.

The way life’s supposed to be.

I age like a tree.

Slow but determined.

My blessings will never end.

Now that I’m my friend.

I branch out and grow.

Letting my future just flow.

It’s great just to know.

Love comes to me now.

Achieving self love that’s how.

Time to take a bow.

After we begin.

A great future is my win.

As the present’s been.

Now a door is closed.

Feel happiness non-opposed.

Doubtless is supposed.

A new door is ope.

Take brave steps and have high hope.

No more need to cope.

Gently close your eyes.

Rain’s purity is a prize.

The wind is at its rise.

These words are over.

No need for you to hover.

This is my closure.

-aaa

Ocean Warmth

Originally posted and blasted 03/28/2024

soft beckoning fingers translucent blue greet me in the bright sunlight

cooling hot feet and instantly refreshing an overtaxed weary soul

gulls squeal overhead looking for something yummy or unguarded

opaque shapes don’t hide the sun as the warm breezes gently kiss

suddenly I inhale an entire grove of coconuts and she’s there

laying on a blanket bikini laden dark soft skin drinking up the sunlight

refreshment of her design in hand complete with umbrella and ice

sporting Jackie-O sunglasses and enjoying all life has to offer

legs trim and long and strong and beautiful bringing my mind to a place where pain doesn’t exist

she smiles a wry smile at me and as usual challenges me, I feel the shock as the cold water laps up my ankles

stepping ever forward I am washed in the spray of soft white foam the smoothly caresses my arms and legs as I enter

I duck and dodge a behemoth of a wave just as an airplane flies overhead affixed to the back, car insurance ads

it’s up to my neck now, be careful, many drown here that are younger and fresher

a helicopter juts by and I wave that I am ok as a wave slaps my face with its cold fingers

that slapped burned as the salt water swirls in my mouth and I spit it out

kelp, seaweed, aliens I am unsure what this stuff is but it entangles me just as the woman on the shore did

I grab a handful and chuck it away and await its magic re-emergence

I turn to shore and head in the direction of the woman as her coconut essence calls out to me

a warm smile greets me and warm lips as well just as a gentle ocean wind catches us both enveloping us

contentedness without limit, warmth without cold and desire without rejection…

The beach calls us all into her soft sensual arms.

-aaa

Adversity (Thoughts Before the Final Divorce 5/18/22)

What do you do when the well runs dry? When emotions are only anger and love dies

You reach out and communicate as much as possible but nothing changes her she just doesn’t want you anymore

You better youself and try to get stronger and more attractive but it has no effect and she is not impressed at all

what can I do or say to change how she feels and lives as nothing seems to impact her demeanor or how she feels

I’d seel my soul to get her to love me like I loved her that doesn’t work either she’s moved on

We do things but they feel like bones she has to throw rather than something she wants to do

I’d rather not be an obligation to anyone

I’d rather be a choice than an option

How will I go on, with all this hurt and pain

I always will, force of nature or habit, pick one

I love the kids and grandkids

How will I live without them, that’s very possible starts anew for the third time, is beyond sad

I can never get things right in my life always taking the course of highest resistance moving straight up hill forever seemingly

I just want to be a happy fellow and feel fully actualized in my life

To do so I have to build up myself created an infrastructure that has never existed

I have to create foundations pore concrete and lay down the plans for a new life and a new me that is able to be happy even if alone forever

I don’t know how I will do it all alone but I likely will have to and flourish despite the lonliness

I guess I am destined to be alone maybe it is as it should be…..

I will love myself somehow because it’s necessary.

If I don’t, then no one will…..

-aaa 9/20/21

A New Phase

Between sleeps today I had a vision.

Opened eyes to silent but familiar dark room, alone but not alone.

Holding a candle which is the only light.

I blow it out with parsed lips.

Silent darkness, the waxy smokiness wafting in the air for a moment then gone.

This journey’s phase is at an end and the next, underway…

-aaa🔥

Jack 🐶 And Jill 🐱

Jack and Jill not up a hill but lying in a bed

One curled up all in a ball the other rests her head

Lick attacks and lick attacks and end endless fur and hair

Makes the owner of the bed quite Jack and Jill aware

Playing games and chasing tails are their fitting fancy

For if they’re left with own devices then they’d get quite antsy

Jack and Jill not up the hill but sitting on a lap

Closing eyes weary from play and a quiet nap

-aaa ❤️

Frustration!

Movement encircles me but gets me nowhere.

Stagnant I’m stuck and can’t progress.

Greatness awaits greatness awaits I keep hearing it but I’m not achieving it.

Such promise he’ll reach someday but someday is not defined.

It’s between 1 hr and infinity seeming closer to the latter.

Everyone seems to be moving effortlessly while I’m gimping slowly painfully along…

I pay and I pay and I pay but my scores won’t go up.

To many options to live and I have no idea what to do…

-aaa

Dreamer of a Reality

I can taste your color

And it appeals to me

You are like no other

That I have ever seen

My heart flutters

When you are near

I’m melting butter

Each time you appear

Come closer to me

So I can see your face

An endless sea

Of beauty in place

Beautiful hair that’s heaven sent

And stunning eyes that stop my heart

Knowing now what the ‘others’ meant

Truly sets your uniqueness apart

I pinch myself am I awake

Or maybe you are just a dream

Feeling you makes my insides ache

Perhaps it’s somewhere in between…

-aaa ❤️‍🔥

Queuing Up at Avalon

I’m always in someone’s way

no matter what I do or say

Can almost hear an audible wine

Each time I queue up in the line

I step to the left or to the right

Trying to keep myself out of sight

And someone always asked if I’m in line

I say I already ordered and paid for mine

Always trying to find a place to stand

And not up in no man’s land

I hold my drink and stand and wait

For my name called with food and plate

Sometimes burgers, bagels, or fries

Or apple turnovers or another surprise

The wait is always long for my food

Because many other people know it’s good

Every Sunday morning, this is my treat

As I stop into Avalon for something to eat

So many times it’s kind of insane

I drop frequently and they know my name…

-aaa

Hard Truths

Recollecting the pasts loves of my life

I mediate and I close my eyes

I can see myself through their eyes

All the love that wasn’t reciprocated

All the deceit and manipulation

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks

They never saw me at all

They never truly knew me we or wanted to

They only knew what they needed and saw me as a means to get there

Knowing is empowerment

I’ll choose better, smarter next time…

-aaa ❤️

Daily Question # 42

When do you feel most productive?

This is a great question. I sort of see it as when do you get inspired or when you feel motivated to write and I have a lot of answers because it happens to me all the time.

Honestly all the time. When inspiration strikes I always start jotting down everything on my iPhones notepad app.

I get a rhyme I get a line I get some stanza. I get some kind of idea and I either I write it down immediately and build on it later or at the time.

That moves and drives me to write something down when I’m productive and that can happen anytime.

For instance, this morning, I was grabbing a hamburger and fries from a little local joint nearby called Avalon and I got this idea because I kept being in the wrong place and everybody’s way while I was waiting for my order to be completed and so I got these two lines “I’m always in somebody’s way no matter what I do or say” that’s often how poetry starts for me.

A notion an idea something I just can’t get out of my head. Earlier today, I fellow author wrote about how thankful she was about her grandmother being in her life. This really hit me hard since I haven’t had a grandmother and almost 20 years and how much that love and support meant to me I was motivated to write something about my grandmother although I loved them all and I shared it earlier today.

Be productive as long as you feel like it as long as it flows out of you. When you get stuck or get writers block sometimes you have to take a break and not do anything.

Meditate on it come back to it. I do often as well. just my $.10. 😊

-aaa